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Lady Gaga's New Funhouse?

Rumors are swirling that the pop diva is heading to Chappy.

When we last left our heroine Lady Gaga, she to an Island-based photographer that she was searching for property on Martha's Vineyard. She hoped to have him and his wife over for a glass of wine, she said.

I made the calculated but incorrect guess that Gaga would target the Up Island area where privacy is maximal. But soon rumors flew fast and furious that the rock diva had settled on a plot of land overlooking Cape Pogue on the northern shore of Chappaquiddick, and that carpenters, stone masons, and contractor Peter Rosbeck were hard at work on the new showplace.

(Note to the blond-wigged rock star: If you invite anyone to drive all the way across the Island, after which they board the rickety ferry and then bump down the loop-de-loop road to your digs, you’ll need to serve something besides wine, maybe protein bars and Gatorade to restore their electrolytes. And you might want to have a St. Bernard on hand with a cask of brandy.)

I phoned an old buddy—we’ll call him Joey—who himself manages various properties on Chappy to catch up on the scoop. My not-so-secret info was that Gaga’s new site bordered Meg Ryan’s seven acres.

Picture these two stars borrowing cups of sugar from one another: The outrageous and gaga Gaga and Meg, the Girl Next Door who seems so nice even I can imagine cadging that cup of sugar, driving all the way out from Oak Bluffs to do so. But au contraire, according to writer Calvin Eaves on www.spooftime.com: Meg Ryan is the Girl-Next-Door-From-Hell in their side-by-side Manhattan apartments. She complains constantly about stuff like his stereo being too loud. When her kids’ dad and her ex, Dennis Quaid, shows up, a call to the police routinely follows. Her new BF, 59-year-old rocker, John Mellencamp, chops the blocks of anyone coming within 10 feet of his sweetie. I don’t see how our girl Gaga could borrow that sugar unless she zip-lined the cup down from her house.

In any event, my pal Joey knows the whereabouts of Meg Ryan’s road. But first, because his clothes were sopping wet when he picked me up at the Chappy ferry, (he’d washed them in one of his properties but ran out of time to dry them), we had to stop at another house to toss them in the dryer.

“So the plan is,” I said to clarify matters, “before we go hunting for Lady Gaga’s house, I have to look at you naked while your clothes dry?”

“I’ll wrap a towel around myself,” he said.

Once we got rolling, we drove for, like, forever down a meandering country road.

At a certain point we saw, on our left, a new construction site, loaded with equipment and fenced with that weird orange webbing that you order from the Ugly Store. We turned onto the driveway past No Trespassing signs that neither of us could read because we’re dyslexics. “GnissapserT oN?” we conferred with each other, then continued up the hill.

It was 5:30 at night, so whatever workers had been there had decamped. There’s not much in place yet—a foundation and sub-flooring, and big steel beams over an area that realtors have taken to calling the great room. To your right are two stories of what’s laid out to be seven or eight rooms. It sounds big, but everything’s admirably compact. The important part is the view over Cape Pogue, then out to the Sound— about as commanding a sea view as anyone is ever likely to enjoy. I’d live there if I were a rock star. Heck, I’d live there if I were a struggling writer in Oak Bluffs hunkered over a drug store.

The house looks coo-coo and contemporary, which has the Gaga stamp all over it. There’s this bunker sort of thing that faces all callers mounting the driveway, a squat square of horizontal cedar planks rising from a cement wall. It could be a garage, but you could also mount a gunnery there if you’re serious about discouraging paparazzi.

Joey estimated the house requires another year to reach completion. He spent most of his time combing through a big mound of dirt for arrowheads. I think Lady Gaga can take this as a sign that Vineyarders have little interest in her outré lifestyle, and she can enjoy her retreat from the world of Kermit frog capes, eye make-up that looks spray-painted on by a South Central gang and Monster Ball World tours.

All that glitters for Island boys is an 1899 Indian head penny poking up from the sands of a Chappy beach.

David Whitmon May 02, 2011 at 02:03 PM
This is a riot. I LOVE IT. Who knows, perhaps she will become a contributing participant in this world we call Martha's Vineyard. She does have an amazing voice
Silly May 02, 2011 at 02:23 PM
"Her new BF, 59-year-old rocker, John Mellencamp, chops the blocks of anyone coming within 10 feet of his sweetie" awww protective. is he as grumpy as they say?
Martha Shaw May 02, 2011 at 03:25 PM
Best to get these celebs signed up for Impossible Dreams early!
Holly Nadler May 02, 2011 at 04:04 PM
At least now we know that fortified-looking house wasn't going up for Bin Laden!
Kris Hrycun May 02, 2011 at 04:50 PM
So many celebrities, so little space for the rest of us.
Lynda Grady May 02, 2011 at 06:39 PM
You've done it again! Your colums are so delightfully entertaining and deliciously informative (it's like we have our very own, personal, private Vineyard "gossip girl" each week!), that I look forward to reading each one with anticipation of having my curiosity piqued and satisfied, joined with the enjoyment of a few chuckles and a belly-laugh or two! Suffice to say, you make me very jolly, Holly. Thanks for what you do --- what an upper of a way to start the day!
a reader May 02, 2011 at 08:36 PM
Lovely way to invade her privacy.
Lynda Grady May 02, 2011 at 10:25 PM
First of all, I checked and I did NOT misspell "columns" in my original e-mail...so there! Secondly, as to the sentiment about "invading the privacy" of L. Gaga...I LOVE Gaga, but private she is NOT! She absolutely loves and adores attention of any kind (obviously), and checking out the site of her future abode is nothing but innocent, interesting fun. It's not like she lives there already and they were out stalking her or something! Sheesh! Give us a break and don't take life (or the great Ms. N's work) so seriously! Who appointed you protector and bodyguard of the Lady? Why, you don't even have nerve enough to let us know your name...and that tells me a LOT about you, sister...or mister...or whatever...
Carol Fleisher Scobby May 02, 2011 at 11:24 PM
Who knew that Meg was more gaga than Gaga? Leave it to you, Holly!!
David Whitmon May 03, 2011 at 02:13 AM
That is really a great idea.
Betty Burton May 03, 2011 at 03:17 AM
Holly, you crack me up. You gossip girl you. Now thinking of Lady Gaga, I think go I'll listen to some Freddie M.
Kris Hrycun May 03, 2011 at 07:37 AM
Calvin's got the skinny on Meg Ryan down to a T. The "girl next door" business is all manufactured! As for Lady Gaga, without her get ups she'll glide effortlessly through town without a head turned. Love the updates! Thanks for keeping us tuned in.
Michael West May 03, 2011 at 11:42 AM
Holly, that Joey guy ever get his clothes out of the dryer? You can't just leave us hanging...
Holly Nadler May 03, 2011 at 12:31 PM
Michael, I'm not going near your double entendre! But yes, the clothes were finally dried and Joey took off his towels (in the laundry room) and got dressed. Going to Chappy is like Alice falling down the rabbit hole -- you always have adventures and they're never the ones you anticipate.
Charlie Nadler May 04, 2011 at 12:08 AM
I can't wait for her to hang lanterns all over herself so she can participate in Illumination Night.
Vanessa Czarnecki May 04, 2011 at 12:36 AM
Ha! Love it.
Jessica Harris May 04, 2011 at 03:06 PM
Girl you've done it again! Reading your columns I miss "The Rock" a bit less. See you soon.
Gertie May 04, 2011 at 05:42 PM
Sorry, but I assume you were joking about Meg Ryan & her Manhatten neighbour. Either that or someone fooled you. Because that story is so filled with errors (like why would Quaid visit her there because their son lives on campus at NYU and her other child isn't even from Quaid (who lives in Austin)! Funny how some people don't realize that part is a spoof.
Gertie May 04, 2011 at 05:44 PM
Oh now I see: that story re: Meg Ryan actually IS from a spoof site. Still, funny how people don't realize that and assume that website meant it seriously.
Holly Nadler May 05, 2011 at 12:35 PM
People are asking me, "Who was that naked guy in the story?" I think I'm going to have to keep his real name a secret, but I hope that was the last and only time in his life that he put on wet clothes from the washing machine.
Holly Nadler June 15, 2013 at 06:54 PM
I still harbor a gnawing suspicion that Lady Gaga bought that house on Chappy, with this unknown businessman (who claimed ownership) as a front. I mean, isn't that what you'd do if you were an over-the-top pop star who desired a soupçon of privacy? (btw., I'm so proud of myself for managing that French cedilla on soupçon).
Louisa Hufstader (Editor) June 15, 2013 at 09:36 PM
Well done, Holly! I also enjoyed this spoof submitted by a reader that heady summer: http://marthasvineyard.patch.com/articles/from-the-inbox-lady-gaga-just-paid-43m-for-this-quaint-chappy-1600s-cottage-with-8-acres

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