How To Meet President Obama: A Vineyard Confidential Classic

Editor's note: On the occasion of President Barack Obama's return to Martha's Vineyard on vacation in 2013, we're reposting Holly Nadler's humorous take on the last presidential visit in 2011. For news about this year's Obama visit, Aug, 10-18, please see our Government & Politics page. The President and First Lady are vacationing in Chilmark this summer. 

Written by Holly Nadler

Politics aside, many of us jump up and down and even wet our pants at the prospect of shaking hands with America’s sitting president.

(Note to orthopedic surgeons reading the above sentence: our current president never sits; he stands or dashes about on his long legs. We suspect there could be some problem with gluteus maximus muscles, another reason for his detractors to cut the guy some slack and allow him a relaxing vacation; it can’t be good for a man to never seat himself).

This week on Martha’s Vineyard we should be the honored recipients of the four Obamas, five counting the “Portie” dog, Bo. Conceivably, Papa could spend fewer than the projected 10 days in residence, should the global theater heat up even further, but here we might all refer back to the old Kingston Trio song, “They are rioting in Africa, tra-la-la-la-la-la, they’re starving in Spain, tra-la-la-la-la-la, there are hurricanes in Florida, and Texas needs rain.”

In other words, there’ll always be stuff going on, so can we please let our poor beleaguered leader do some swimming, golfing, play board games with his children, sprawl on a sofa to read a novel (yes he can sprawl, he simply can’t sit; odd, huh?).

Now, what do we need to know about protocol should we run into him? Well, first, running into him isn’t an option. Every move he makes is calculated. Even the spontaneous “drop in” at Alley’s store in West Tisbury on his first Island vacation in 2010 began with Secret Service guys stopping in every morning for coffee and the Washington Post, while discreetly scoping out the exits. “There are five of them,” reported Alley’s employee Maya Sharp, “If you include our back delivery doors.”

The prez’s people called ahead to the shop’s manager, Rhonda Backus. She was out, much to her chagrin, so her assistant okayed the visit.

Mr. Obama had his daughter and niece in tow, along with a phalanx of staff, security and press corps. The store went into lockdown, although customers were certainly free to scoot. No one did. Security performed a quick pat-down and wand-sweep (yes, it’s the same one Tinkerbell uses) over the handful of employees and customers. Turned out no one was packing heat.

While the president’s two girls did their candy shopping, the Head of the Western World made it easy on folks by shaking hands and making cheery conversation.

Protocol question number one: Is it okay to take the lead and approach the president before he approaches you?

Well, yes and no. If you think you’re going to spot him on the street and high-five him, the answer is "negative!" because that street will be just as carefully inspected and locked down as was Alley’s store before you ever find yourself in the executive presence.

But should you be one of those surprised customers in a shop when the president sweeps in, then yes, you can step forward and hold out your hand, but if you’re playing by the rules, you should address him as “Mr. President,” and after that as “sir.”

Don’t blame me: Emily Post (of Edgartown) in 1922 set out these rules of polite engagement and we’ve stuck to them ever since. And if you think this little bit of courtesy is too strict, consider the protocol the Brits lay down: Anyone meeting any one of the royals is first herded into a reception area for indoctrination.

A man who probably looks a lot like Steven Fry spells it out for you and, from an egalitarian, American point of view, it ain’t pretty: No eye contact unless the royal extends it first, no speaking unless spoken to first and NO TOUCHING!

This final rule seems Draconian, but there may be secret reasons: Perhaps Elizabeth and Charles and the rest of the Windsors are made of wax run on batteries, and a human touch will stamp them with finger prints, requiring a touch-up at the factory before the next big shindig.

Also, you’ve got to learn that goofy bow. This is only mandated for us heathens, or the heathens among us distinguished enough to be ushered into the royal presence.

Thankfully, US presidents have never bowed to English royalty. They don’t have to. We whipped them in 1776 and again in 1812 (ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!) and we saved their butts in WWII, so ix-nay on the presidential ow-bay.

(This can’t help reminding us of Barack Obama’s G-20 Summit when he shook, like, 12 royal hands across Europe, then bowed to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, causing all of us to shout “WHAT THE --?!” At first the press office said it wasn’t a bow, but there’s a photo of him from the back, head disappeared, jacket riding up over shiny black trousers sheathing the famous gluteus maximus muscles that never sit. Maybe this is the kind of confused thinking that comes from being on your feet all day.)

So now you know how to display impeccable manners to our head of state.

As for me, I’d love to arrange a play date between my Boston Terrier, Huxley, and First Dog Bo. I think Hux can take him.

The original version of this post was published on MV Patch Aug. 15, 2011. Read Holly's new serial novel, "Lady Slipper Farm and the Summer People," on Patch. We're publishing a classic "Vineyard Confidential" column each Saturday.

Have you ever met a President on the Vineyard? Tell us in the comments.